I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
