So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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