I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
