Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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