She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
