She's like a pop up book from hell.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
