you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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