Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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