Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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