I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
