i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
