The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
