You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
