I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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