I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
