Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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