You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
