The maid of honor just puked.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
