Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just gift wrapped bread.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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