This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
