But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
