is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
how do flat chested girls get laid?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
