Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
