If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
