When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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