I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
