I think scott just propositioned me for sex
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
