apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
