Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
