Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
