five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
