My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
