my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
