just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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