Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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