There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
