When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
