you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
