I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
