Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
