Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
