Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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