if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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