Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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