I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
