i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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