i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
