You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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