I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
