Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
